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Thunder In Paradise #5

Having last week ("Sealed With A Kismet") discovered a secret tunnel that leads to the Middle East, Spence and Bru are now ("Changing Of The Guard") using it again, this time sneaking into enemy Middle East waters in order to rescue a downed satellite. Then - zap! - they're back in Florida again. That is one useful secret tunnel. Whilst they're off doing that, an Evil British Aristocrat has been working on a similar secret tunnel between Florida and England. Possibly London, possibly Cornwall. The show hasn't quite decided. At any rate, the EBA wants the details of a secret family... secret... that he can only get if he's female. Since he's not prepared to go down that route, he decides to spring his secret daughter upon his unsuspecting family – namely Jessica, daughter of Spence and Bru. And then – zap! – he's in Florida with Still Evil But Teetering On The Brink Of Niceness Uncle Edward. "Jessica, oh Jessica! My beloved daughter!" he cries. Okay, he doesn't. Actually he just wanders into their little cottage by the sea, announces that he's her father, and then suggests taking her back to England for a holiday. There is an almost complete lack of suspicion here. In fact there is a complete lack of suspicion. Spence is jealous, but that's all, and Bru is more concerned by a missing bit of satellite that is presumably back down the other end of the secret tunnel in the Middle East. Consequently they hit upon a plan. The EBA will take Jessica to England for a look-see, whilst they go off back to the Middle East to retrieve the missing piece of satellite. Personally I'd just have sprung for a babysitter, but then what do I know. I only have nieces and nephews. And cats. And I wouldn't trust anybody to look after the latter. Still, Spence and Bru whiz off back to the Middle East for a quick wrestle with some enemy agents of Somewhere A Bit Like Libya, whilst Nearly Evil Uncle Edward accompanies Jessica and the EBA to somewhere in England that might be London, but might be Cornwall. See, Edward says that it's Cornwall, but the caption says London. So is Cornwall in London now, or is London in Cornwall? Inquiring minds want to know. America, I know you like to pretend that you know nothing at all about anywhere that isn't America, but really, this is actually quite a big thing. It's a bit like suddenly deciding that California is in Texas. Or that Texas is in California, depending. And it's clearly not England anyway. It's quite clearly Disney World.

Anyway... the EBA kidnaps Jessica, and when Decreasingly Evil Uncle Edward calls the boys to apologise, they quickly utilise another of their network of international secret tunnels, and zap themselves immediately from Maybe Libya to Somewhere In England. Happily they seem to know which bit of it to aim for, anyway. Also happily, nobody in England seems to much mind when a heavily armed boat sidles up alongside it, and two soldiers start bouncing about the place in full combat gear. Actually, I think this probably establishes that they're in Cornwall, because no way would they get up the Thames without somebody complaining about them breaking the speed limit. Also, there are no big, white fairytale castles in London. Or in Cornwall for that matter, but ssh.

Somehow they gain entrance to the EBA's castle through the chimney. I'm not sure how that works, unless they hired a plane and parachuted down it, as presumably if you're going to sneak onto the grounds and onto the bloody roof, then you might just as well use the front door, rather than climbing down the chimney, but nonetheless, the chimney it is. This leads them into a rather lovely torture chamber, where we discover several things. One, if planning to incarcerate your enemies in a torture chamber, it's best to update the equipment occasionally. Mediaeval torture equipment crumbles far too easily. And two, Bru and Uncle Edward have a quite delightful comedy partnership in the offing. Anyway, the EBA, assuming that his plan to infiltrate Jessica into his family has led to her becoming versed in the secret family secret, traps Spence, Bru and Not Evil Any More Uncle Edward in the torture chamber, and threatens Great Nastiness if she doesn't cough up on the details. Spence tears some chains in half, and ruins a perfectly good museum piece rack in order to escape, before throwing half of the opposition on top of Bru, thus neatly breaking him out of the chair that he's tied to. So it's bad guys nil, good guys several more, as usual. Lovely scene where Bru, with the arms of the chair still tied to his wrists, proceeds to decimate the bad guys (who I assume are some friends of the EBA's - we're never introduced) with his new appendages. Then they all go home, and find out that the EBA wasn't Jessica's real father after all. Well gosh. Who'da thunk it.

I think the moral of this story may be "Never let your daughter travel overseas with a bloke you've never met before." A life lesson that, in all honesty, most of us don't really need to be told. Although admittedly, in most cases, failure to adhere to the rule wouldn't lead to castles, torture chambers, and the wholesale relocation of London to somewhere in Cornwall. Probably.

In a secret tunnel, on the way to the Middle East.

Yes, dear. Of course it is.

An Evil British Aristocrat.

Life at Casa Spence-And-Bru. A French chef...

... and a piano playing French chef to boot.

You have to wonder what she's going to turn out like, really.

A typical English street. No, honestly.

Satellite Rescue.

Underwater wrestling!

Gratuitous wetsuit.

Spence and Bru break into England.

Nope, it still doesn't look anything like London. Or Cornwall.

You're not fooling anybody, you know. It's still clearly Disney World.

Spence on the rack...

... and Bru tied to a chair, just prior to...

... suddenly channelling Bruce Campbell.

The final attempt to prove that it's England leads us to some red telephone boxes.
However they're in somebody's garden, for frak's sake. Yep, we all have our own over here. Course we do.
And no, I have no idea why Spence is ripping up the novelty lamp post, either.

In the next exciting instalment, Spence and Bru fight the Civil War. Which is quite kind of them, really, if it spares the 1860s the bother.


( 3 fierce growls — Growl fiercely )
Nov. 23rd, 2009 02:38 am (UTC)
How is it that I live in North America and I have NEVER heard of this show before? I've been followed your reviews, gobsmacked. This show is so many kinds of crazy - like the wormholes through the earth, the castle which appears to be Disneyland to me. This was actually on a regular channel? NBC or something?
Nov. 23rd, 2009 04:22 pm (UTC)
It was a regular programme on a regular channel, yes. I don't know which one, though. At a guess, probably the same one that aired Baywatch.

It is pretty mental, though, yes. And the weirdest is yet to come. :)
Nov. 29th, 2009 01:37 am (UTC)
Yes, it was UPN channel 9 that aired this and also baywatch. This was definitely a Disney castle, LOL. Once again your captions are hilarious..channeling Bruce Campbell! Now I'm intrigued and must read the one about the Civil war mess.
( 3 fierce growls — Growl fiercely )

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