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'Tis Hallowe'en, and what does one do at Hallowe'en? One watches scary movies. I don't actually have any of them, so instead I've chosen The Lost Boys. What? It's scary. Ish. Anyway, for the purposes of this evening's viewing, in order to be as scared as possible by this chilling fright-fest, I've decided to approach it as though I'm watching for the first time. Having only watched it a dozen or so times already, I see no reason why this shouldn't work. And yes, I know that that's the wrong vampire in the icon, but I don't have any Lost Boys ones. Probably because that would be too scary. Oh yes.

Well this is certainly jolly scary so far. Some boys in clothing that is in no way hilariously eighties are being menacing on a roundabout. The roundabout is full of adults, which is actually quite scary in itself. And Kiefer Sutherland as Head Eighties Teen Gang Boy is very frightening, obviously.

A man just got dragged off by something!! Possibly an owl? A giant, man-eating owl? That really is scary.

Hooray! Jason Patric! Uh oh. Family singalong. Again with the scary.

(Momentary pause for bouncing to the theme tune. Which I've never heard before. Obviously).

Ye gods, what is Corey Haim wearing?!

Hooray for Jason Patric looking sultry on a bike! I have to ask, though, why he stops to do some gratuitous weight-lifting half way through the house-moving. Don't mind me. I'm just going to stand here and flex my biceps for no reason.

And he and Corey Haim are brilliantly believable as brothers, even though one's far too old to be playing the role, and the other is just plain scary. I mean, really. That shirt...

Obligatory close up on a scantily-clad woman. And why is that singer covered in baby oil? It's either that or he's basted himself, since he does appear to be dancing on a barbecue. Whilst miming badly. And great heaven, what is Corey Haim wearing now?!

Kiefer Sutherland again! Wearing bad eighties fashions with menace! Although I must confess that I'm finding it very hard to be afraid of the little one from Bill & Ted. Even dressed like that, he's not very scary.

That comic book shop appears to be owned by two dead people.

Gosh, I wonder if that horror comic about vampires is supposed to indicate that there are vampires in the neighbourhood? That would be scary!

The man-eating owl is back. Scary stuff! More menacing than Jason Patric and Kiefer Sutherland making eyes at each other, anyway.

I can't quite decide if Corey Feldman is hilarious or awful.

Motorcycle chase! Wheeeeeeee! You know, they really should be wearing helmets.

Corey Haim has a large poster of a scantily-clad Rob Lowe on his closet door. That's really quite sweet.

The underground church is cool, and the mystic bottle is too, but no matter what they try to insist, that clearly is not blood inside it. It's cherryade. Alcoholic cherryade, maybe. Actually, make that homoerotic cherryade. One sip, instant power gayness.

Ghostly biker gang! Gosh, this is actually quite scary, isn't it. Oh yes.

Vampire!Jason Patric. Hooray!

I think Corey Haim needs to read his vampire comic a little more closely. It's blood that vampires suck, Corey. I don't know what you're thinking of. Sewer rats, maybe.

Those hippies are definitely dead. You'd think the two brothers would be upset about that, really. I assume that those are their parents.

Floaty!Jason Patric! Okay, that's not very scary. Not really. Is funny, though.

Self-healing milk carton! Cool!

Is this really a good time to be having sex? Really? The tasteful fade out to clouds is hysterical, though.

Sorry. I mean it's scary. Obviously.

"Kill your brother, you'll feel better," is a lovely line. Although I object to killing Jason Patric on principle. I also object to the idea of vampires being un-American. I'm not American. Does that mean I'm a vampire?

Never invite anybody into the house after dark, Jason. Especially smarmy gits in bad suits. Seriously, though, if they can't cross the threshold without being invited, you don't want them in your house. Trust me on this.

The home vampire testing kit is hysterical. You know, I suspect that this film may not be quite as scary as I'd been led to believe.

Okay, so the man-eating owl was actually a crowd of airborne teenagers. Who'd have thunk it. Although, for what it's worth, even when in full vampire gear, the little one out of Bill & Ted is still somewhat less than scary. Kiefer's awesome, though.

"You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed..." is at once superbly cool and remarkably homoerotic. I wonder if that's intentional. And what is it with vampires and wilful stylistic posing?

No, that was not David's blood in the bottle. It was cherryade.

Vampire taskforce! They're not quite as convincing as Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, are they. I particularly like how they run around the place bellowing at the tops of their voices in their efforts to sneak up on the vampires.

Exit the little one out of Bill & Ted. Oh well. I suppose that neatly deals with his failure to be scary.

I love Largely Non-Speaking Frog Brother's attempt to use his stake as a machine gun. Although it's still less than scary. Mind you, water pistols full of Holy water and garlic is pretty cool. Wesley never thought of that.

Either Max has taken his pet dog to a restaurant with him, or he has the weirdest house ever. Neon lights in the windows? I know it's the eighties, but he's a middle-aged man with a bad suit. Not a fashion victim.

Vampire attack!!!! Is it bad that I'm more worried about the dog than about Corey Haim?!

Bloody hell. And I thought the vampires in True Blood die messily.

Oh, nice time to get yourself knocked out, Jason. Pillock. He's like Giles. Just as the kids are about to do battle with the scary monsters, down he goes with a head injury.

"Death by stereo..." :D

That kitchen is going to take some serious cleaning.

Mini-vampire!

Hang on. Jason Patric? Check. Kiefer Sutherland? Check. Lashings of homoeroticism? Check. It must be time for the big face off. :) Aerial foreplay duelling!

How come Kiefer Sutherland dies quietly, with no big explosions and fountains of blood? I realise that they attempted to pre-explain this earlier with the little speech about how all vampires die differently, but let's face it, all the others have died in a big mess. Then Kiefer gets the cute "I don't wanna die!" ending, like a scared little kid. It's just a little out of place. And a bit late to try to get meaningful.

And we're back with Max and his scary conviction that Jason Patric and Corey Haim's mother is really Wendy. Actually, that doesn't quite work, does it. Kiefer Sutherland is clearly Peter Pan, so who's Max supposed to be? It should be Kiefer trying to recruit a Wendy. Still, never mind.

More aerial Jason Patric! With mood lighting! I love how unfazed their mother is through all of this. She comes home to find her house in ruins, her son turned into a vampire, and blood everywhere, then her boyfriend vamps out and tries to eat her other son. And her. And all she does is look faintly inconvenienced. I have to wonder if this sort of thing happens to her often.

Death by Grandpa! This is especially enjoyable, because it results in a big explosion, and as we all know, things that result in big explosions are by definition immensely cool.

And we round up with some Roger Daltrey. Hooray! Given that he's an Immortal, that's actually quite fitting. Though not very scary. What is scary is that this film came out in 1987, and that makes me feel old. Coming at the end of a film about avoiding growing old, that's kind of disturbing. Not that I feel inclined to rush out and drink some of Kiefer Sutherland's blood. Or even some homoerotic cherryade. I don't know where I'd find the latter anyway.

Pictures. Oh yes. Bring on the scary.


Bad boys. Note the little one from Bill & Ted and his persistent failure to be frightening.


Kiefer Sutherland. Don't mess with this man. He has pigtails.




Further attitude. Further non-scariness from Bill. Or possibly Ted.


Max. Or Captain Hook?


Corey Haim, whose clothes are easily the scariest thing in the whole of 1987.


Dead hippies.


Pre-vampired Jason Patric.
See, bad things happen when you make out with sulky boys in leather dusters, Jason.


Vampires are incapable of standing normally. They always have to pose.
It's like some undead law or something.


Attitude Boy.


Homoerotic cherryade.


I don't know. But it's cool.


Vampire!Jason. This is really scary now, isn't it.


Our two vampire boys make out again. They really are a lovely couple.






Vampires! Note how, even with full vamp face on, Bill or Ted is still not remotely terrifying.
I don't know if's the curly hair, or the fact that he looks six, but either way, it's not working.


More Vampire!Jason.


Grrrr.


See? They can't help it. They just have to pose.


Clearly the cameraman is scarier than the film.


"Death by stereo..." :)


Pocket-sized vampire.


Aw.


Max. Who was actually more scary before the change.


De-fanged. That's actually kind of a shame.


Game over. Golly that was scary.

Comments

( 9 fierce growls — Growl fiercely )
eandh99
Nov. 1st, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
So are you on the Bill side of the True Blood fandom? We're more Eric-fans over here, not that I have an icon. Wow, this makes me feel really, really old, because I was in university and living with notmywife when this film came out. I remember it well, though, this one and Near Dark.
swordznsorcery
Nov. 1st, 2009 02:13 pm (UTC)
Yep, Bill is best. :) I actually like both of them, it's just that I prefer Eric when he's being all mysterious and aloof. All his mooning over Sookie bored me. Still, it looks like it's here to stay. Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill, was interviewed recently to promote the show when it began over here a few weeks ago. He said that he approves of the love triangle, and is waiting for Eric and Bill to get it together.

Given the war that's going on in some areas of LJ between the Bill and Eric fans, it might be fun to see them actually roll with that one. ;)
eandh99
Nov. 1st, 2009 09:11 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, I would pay money for that - the Bill vs Eric thing is nuts. Have these people not read the books?
swordznsorcery
Nov. 1st, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
Probably not. I certainly haven't. :) I tried, but I really didn't like them.
eandh99
Nov. 1st, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC)
they're not bad if you read them as fluff. Sookie can be a deeply annoying character, but some of the others are fun.
swordznsorcery
Nov. 2nd, 2009 01:33 am (UTC)
Well yes, but no Jessica, no Lafayette, a completely different Tara, no Lorena to speak of, and (so I'm told, by bratty teenage Eric fans keen to throw book spoilers at anybody who admits to liking Bill best) very little Bill later on. The books have very little to offer me. Although they do have more Pam, apparently. That would be good. I like Pam.
eandh99
Nov. 2nd, 2009 02:22 am (UTC)
Pam's my favourite too - and there are some interesting other characters - a very different Sophie-Anne, her lieutenant Andre, lots of werewolf politics,
ladygretchen
Nov. 10th, 2009 06:48 am (UTC)
Not much into horror, but who hasn't seen this one? You've captured the hilarity and non-scariness of the movie to a 'T'..love the 'awww' under Keifer's 'normal' pic and Haim's clothes should be burned with the vampire remains. These vamps just look plain doofy, especially Max. lol. Jason Patrick had promise as an actor, what happened? Btw, thanks for posting comments on my blogs!
swordznsorcery
Nov. 10th, 2009 02:57 pm (UTC)
Jason Patric hasn't done too badly. He's just tended to concentrate on small films. Not long after "The Lost Boys" he did a film called "The Beast", about a Russian tank unit in Afghanistan, which is excellent. Only seems to have been seen by about three people, though. :) He's done a lot of stuff like that. I don't think he's very interested in Hollywood.

Still having fun looking around your site (and blog), btw. Hopefully I can read through more of it later.
( 9 fierce growls — Growl fiercely )

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